my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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