The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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