Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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