Your dad touched me again.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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