he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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