you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
last night I used snow as a chaser
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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