Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
