i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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