just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
