Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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