i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
