They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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