did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
