Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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