the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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