and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
As shirtless as possible
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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