My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
