I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
