I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
