I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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