At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
