Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I puked a lego.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Houston, we have a squirter
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
