Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
