I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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