see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
