Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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