Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Found the puke drawer
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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