I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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