I looked at my own cervix.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
