My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
