I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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