Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
