it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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