I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
