he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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