bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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