Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
