If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
