i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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