i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize