Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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