The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
