A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
