I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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