went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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