Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
