saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
