fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
