I'm going to jail i love you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
