I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
