I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
