Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
