just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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