Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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