He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
