guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
