bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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